Dear Dolores... Advice for the lovelorn, faint of heart and downright confused.

Have a Nagging Problem in your life? Just Ask Dolores, she'll set you straight!

          Dear Dolores, I am so lonely... you see I am just a little black hen... a very plain little black hen. In fact, The Mistress thought I was so uninteresting that she named me just that, Little Black Hen.When at last, she did give me a name it was Jane, just Jane! Well,that is really beside the point, because no eligible rooster would give me the time of day, even if my name was Rosamaria Penelope Anne! I sit here on my perch and watch as those Buxom Blond sisters are followed all over the meadow by every handsome man chicken-dude, and have even overheard them described as  Hot Blond Bombshells!

But me, I am just invisible. My question is, Do you think I should dye my feathers a flashy, brassy blond or perhaps a soft platinum color? Do Blonds really have more fun?? It certainly seems that way. Yours Truly,  Just Jane Black

 Dear Jane, Surely Jane, you have heard that beauty comes from within your little chickie heart and soul.. But how to release it for others to see?  May  I suggest you purchase a very wide red straw bonnet, festooned with bits of whole corn, grains and whole fruits and nuts. I have never known a rooster who would choose  a flashy bit of feathers over a delicious meal. Why, you could have an entire slew of admirers as long as you keep your hat well-stocked at all times. As the roosters are pecking the goodies off your hat, entertain them with your wit and charm, tell some sassy jokes, and learn how to wink suggestively. If all of this fails, I suggest you use the dye called,  Bright Yellow Cornsilk, it is a real rooster magnet!   Happy Hunting! Dolores

 Dear Dolores,  As a Redbone Coonhound, certain things are expected of me. I am suppose to scare possums, tree raccoons and keep the foxes at bay. The problem is... I'd rather not. Doggone it! I just don't have it in me to growl  and grumble as the raccoons eat from ma dog dish, peacocks roost on ma doghouse and the chickens taunt me fer smellin so doggone stinky. Shoot, I need to hide under the house when it rains, becuz them raindrops kin be mighty frightenin when they are pourin down from the clouds and the thunder is rumblin and the lightnin flashes cross the sky. Doggone it, the very thought of it makes me want to hide under the house right this minute. I gotta go! Ezra

Dear Ezra, I can only conclude from your letter that you, sir, you are a lazy liverlily! As a member of the hound family myself, I must say you are behaving quite disgracefully and giving all of us a bad name. First off, TAKE A BATH, no one wants a smelly dog around. If I were your mother, I would tan your hide, (of course, I am far too young to be your mother, maybe your sister)

 I don't wish to be harsh, I realize you are just a gentle soul, and you needn't treat the the wood land creatures with disdain, but to accept taunting from chicken folk, good grief! MAN UP, DOG! Just remember,  it only takes one deep throated bark to strike terror in the hearts of even the most obnoxious chicken. They will never know that deep inside you are shivering in your paws. You don't have to mean it, they will never know. And perhaps, you will feel better about yourself after wards.

  As for the rainstorms, no need to be ashamed. I too have been known to cower under the bed when the skies turn black...but I do it discreetly. Sincerely Yours, Dolores

   Dear Dolores, Far be it from me to ask advice from a dog, and I am not asking for myself, but for a dear friend. My dear friend has this problem, you see, she suffers from an acute case of fish breath. That wouldn't be so bad, she likes fish... a lot! In fact, the fish in the gold fish bowl are disappearing at an alarming rate and my sister, I mean my friend, keeps getting blamed for it! WHY?? Just because I have a little fishy smell on my breath?!! I mean, my friend has a little fishy smell on her breath and a wet paw, too??!!  It just isn't right to be blamed for something you've not done! What can I,,, I mean she, do about this problem?

 Peepers

  Dear Peepers, Hmmm, I smell something fishy here. In fact, knowing felines as I do, I suspect your "friend"...ahem,may not be a completely honest about this, after all, everyone KNOWS how downright sneaky and underhanded felines can be. But alas, mine is not to judge ones appetites,( do, let's be honest!). I do like to sneak a bite of jellied muffin off the mistress's plate when she turns her head for a mere minute or two. And IF I should be caught red-handed, I don't worry about my jelly breath, I simply stare at her with my big, liquid brown eyes, tilt my head to the side and simper slightly. Problem solved! Perhaps, when your "friend", ahem, is accused of stealing fishies, she needn't worry about her breath, rather take a page from the "Butter Wouldn't Melt In My Mouth" playbook, rub against  the Mistress's leg, purr coyly and flutter the eye lashes a few times. Maybe  she'll even open a can of Little Friskies for you... I mean your "friend". Best of Luck! Dolores

Need some advice? Just ASK DOLORES!